Clueless

Its been a long 5 months. Started all on acquisition getting our ass kicked. You weren't even playing the game until later. Ran over to patch you up the next game after you got gunned down and next thing you know I'm your buddy. We sent messages to one another occasionally. We got know each other better and realized we actually enjoyed similar things like reading books and writing. After a few weeks we were playing the demo to a game that scared the hell out of you every time you played it, but you still played. We chatted more and shared things with another that it was at that point I knew I was going to have something for you. "Your not going to ignore me like Rhyse does right?" You didn't have a thing to worry about. "You know no matter what happens we'll still be friends right?" I didn't know about that. I followed you when you left, just because you asked. Just like you knew I would.

I would get calls and texts that would make bad days good and good days great. If I injured myself no matter how much it hurt, my relief was you. We would watch movies together when we weren't anywhere near each other. Watching Bill Murray act like an asshole was never so much fun. On a long car trip to LA you would text me to keep you company and I complied without a second thought. In a late night one time you told me you liked me. Really liked me. It felt great. Really great. Your birthday came and I made it a mission to be the first to wish you a happy one. I remember one thing that you really wanted to do was to go see a ballet. And I remember wishing that I would be the one to take you.

I looked at you blog and had a peek into your head. You convinced me to make one myself so I can let you take a peek in mine. After a while things began fading. No calls or texts were there to greet me. Less attention given when I needed my fix. When things started going bad for me, I looked for you comfort like a druggy having his withdrawal. You weren't there to supply and for a while, I spiraled to a bad place.

Now how we are. I'm still in the same place where we started and it seems you've gone past that. I wished so many times things would go back to how they were a couple of months back. I'm not mad, just having a difficult time accepting it. Accepting that the same feelings I have for you, are already reserved for someone else. I can't do this anymore. In a few months you'll be married and if I see it, it'll break me. The reality has set in and no matter how much I refused to acknowledge it before, I have to now.

I'm looking back and I realize its sad to try and reach farther than I could touch. I don't regret it though. Like I told you a while ago, I knew this wouldn't end well, but the feeling was so great at the moment I couldn't turn it away. I don't know if you meant what you said. I don't know if this was all a mistake. I don't even know if I am in the wrong for knowing what you had with this other guy and still feeling the way I did. I'm clueless remember.

Endless miles until sunshine, even though I felt so close

Sunshine I'm never coming, no matter how much I want to

Sunshine you wont miss me, even though ill always miss you

I had some time to think and reflect on some things. When I did I came to the realization of how immature and selfish I can be. You told me you were in a slump and I just persisted and pursued like a needy child. I guess part of it was that I was so frustrated I couldn't help you. I wanted to do something but clearly it only made things between us a little worse. My paranoia was getting the best of me because just the thought of not having you around anymore depressed me. My paranoia reached other people too and now I need to fix things with them. Still its no excuse for how I was behaving. Like I told you my mind isn't at a good place so I guess judgement was out of the question.

The phone call that I begged for I think was a misunderstanding to a point. I didn't call you to tell you how much I needed you to call me back but to tell you why I was acting the way I did. It didn't come out right. I needed to get those feelings off my chest and even though it didn't end well, I'm glad you gave me those 5 minutes. Either way I can't believe the way I was acting and quiet frankly I'm embarrassed. I don't know if all this makes a difference or if you even bother reading this, but just know that I didn't mean for my emotions including fear get the best of me. Certain things were and are still taking its toll on me and thats all thats really left. I hope you have the patience to put up with me, but if you don't I cant hold it against you. You mean a lot to me and I promise this wont happen again.

Playing cards with the monster

Oh how I wish I could lift your mask from your face. To see what "monster" fate's dealt hand had made. I would sit across the table if I could and re-shuffle your deck in hopes of seeing you win a single game.

If I were the dealer I would ignore all the hearts you had up your sleeve in the hopes that one would win you your hand. But am I also being played in this game or is my paranoia becoming more than I can stand?

Was this all just an illusion weaved by the spider that has me in her web? Is the poison circulating through my body and if so how long till I'm dead?

What were my intentions? Am I to blame? Maybe it was a need for attention or a way to lose my shame.

You have a grip on me and oddly enough I'm the one who doesn't want to let go. Feelings I'm more than a little scared to show.

Oh gorgeous self proclaimed monster keep your mask on low. You just may be the joker in a hand all my own.

Raise up the curtains, and down the liquor bottle

Is everyone in place? Good the show begins. Raise up the curtains and down the liquor bottle your playing the role of fun guy again. Smile and speak with the charisma of an actor who lost his identity once more. No one can see you, your invisible, vanished through the empty red plastic cup. The things you say in your head are heard aloud and the secrecy is spilled all over the floor. Who cares? We'll dance and stumble all over that floor until its dried up by all the passed out bodies. Back for another one? Have four since you want to be numb for when your ass hits the floor. While sitting there think of what prescription lens your beer goggles have on. The music blasts and the cops arrive ready to play their part. The green light to bounce when things are about to go into the red. Good bye girl who rubbed her ass on me like I was toilet paper. Good bye guy who cried on my shoulder who's tears made my shirt smell like even more alcohol. Good bye bathroom ill miss you the most. I arrive home with the spot light on me coming from the kitchen doorway. I make my way towards the final scene stripping off my costume as I go along. I rest my weary head on what my drunk mind thinks are bosoms and begin to close my eyes. The curtain drops and the liquor bottle raised to the end of a glorious night.

My church

Ive been going there since I was a boy. My church, sanctuary, and home. A preacher who taught me not only his techniques on how to hurt a guy but so much more. A father figure in a time when I really didn't have one. A person I could confess to when I did wrong. A teacher who would make sure I would have good morals and principles even if it meant beating it into me.

I grew up with cocky older brothers who would pick on me and than be consoled by younger sisters who would pick me back up. We not only went every week but everyday in our uniforms. We didn't clap with our hands, we clapped with our feet against the pads. We didn't sing, we yelled the count in harmony. We had commandments that we followed and were proud to recite it at the end of class. And we didn't shake hands at the end because we had to, we did it because we dam well respected one another every single time.

Nothing has changed since than. Perhaps thats why I feel Ive never needed a religion to follow. Ive learned all that I needed to learn to be a good person and more there. And no matter how many times I lose, I win by being lucky enough to have been with them all for so many years. That is worth so much more than any medal.

Apollo

One day there was a boy playing in the fields with his friends. He stopped for a moment when he caught a glimpse of the sun. He went over and talked with her for a while. After that he played less with his friends and talked to the sun more often. He started talking to her weekly, than daily. He played with her every day and would talk to her until she went down and again when she came back up. He liked her so much that he took some sunshine and folded it into his back pocket.

On dark days he would reach into his pocket and call out to her. When she responded, the clouds would lift and the day became bright. On cold nights he would call out to her again. When she responded, he would feel warm and snug.

It went on and on until one day he became sad. He knew even though he could keep some sunshine in his back pocket, he could never touch the sun herself. Not only because he was worried about being burned, but because she was so far away.

After some thought he realized something. He realized that from a distance, the sun was able to give him so much already. Thanks to her light he grew like a flower. Everyday growing more confident, secure, and strong. Her light helped him see a brighter future when the way was clouded and uncertain. And every time he managed to get close enough to her, he melted.

To this day the boy still watches from a distance appreciating what she has already done for him. However he still day dreams of one day going up and being her Apollo.

Architect

Things never sway or collapse in my world

They never topple, fall, crumble, or falter

Everything is as it was the day before and never altered

No dark holes to fall through

No sense in watching my step

No moments of tense caution or checking the water for its depth

I'm not worried you see

Why should I be?

Everything is laid out for me

All I have to do is lie with it

But I'm not free

I'm bound to it

Depend on it like its my crack or my crutch

Pretend that its alright to create a lack of touch

Mind numbing, repetitive, and boring routine

Grind filled, replicated daily with no one to yell "Cut!" to end this scene

Its maddening but so very necessary

Its saddening but so very contemporary

As so many of us follow this trend called life

I wonder if there is anything more than what will just suffice

To be able to twist, mold, and contort

To be the artist, cold in his need to do it without support

To be the god that bends the day

To be the devil that tends to the night and than throws it away

To be the actor who decides what role to play

To be the director that yells "Cut!" to end the scene with no delay

Sad wishful thinking

So I'll keep quiet for now and keep on drinking