I had some time to think and reflect on some things. When I did I came to the realization of how immature and selfish I can be. You told me you were in a slump and I just persisted and pursued like a needy child. I guess part of it was that I was so frustrated I couldn't help you. I wanted to do something but clearly it only made things between us a little worse. My paranoia was getting the best of me because just the thought of not having you around anymore depressed me. My paranoia reached other people too and now I need to fix things with them. Still its no excuse for how I was behaving. Like I told you my mind isn't at a good place so I guess judgement was out of the question.

The phone call that I begged for I think was a misunderstanding to a point. I didn't call you to tell you how much I needed you to call me back but to tell you why I was acting the way I did. It didn't come out right. I needed to get those feelings off my chest and even though it didn't end well, I'm glad you gave me those 5 minutes. Either way I can't believe the way I was acting and quiet frankly I'm embarrassed. I don't know if all this makes a difference or if you even bother reading this, but just know that I didn't mean for my emotions including fear get the best of me. Certain things were and are still taking its toll on me and thats all thats really left. I hope you have the patience to put up with me, but if you don't I cant hold it against you. You mean a lot to me and I promise this wont happen again.

Playing cards with the monster

Oh how I wish I could lift your mask from your face. To see what "monster" fate's dealt hand had made. I would sit across the table if I could and re-shuffle your deck in hopes of seeing you win a single game.

If I were the dealer I would ignore all the hearts you had up your sleeve in the hopes that one would win you your hand. But am I also being played in this game or is my paranoia becoming more than I can stand?

Was this all just an illusion weaved by the spider that has me in her web? Is the poison circulating through my body and if so how long till I'm dead?

What were my intentions? Am I to blame? Maybe it was a need for attention or a way to lose my shame.

You have a grip on me and oddly enough I'm the one who doesn't want to let go. Feelings I'm more than a little scared to show.

Oh gorgeous self proclaimed monster keep your mask on low. You just may be the joker in a hand all my own.

Raise up the curtains, and down the liquor bottle

Is everyone in place? Good the show begins. Raise up the curtains and down the liquor bottle your playing the role of fun guy again. Smile and speak with the charisma of an actor who lost his identity once more. No one can see you, your invisible, vanished through the empty red plastic cup. The things you say in your head are heard aloud and the secrecy is spilled all over the floor. Who cares? We'll dance and stumble all over that floor until its dried up by all the passed out bodies. Back for another one? Have four since you want to be numb for when your ass hits the floor. While sitting there think of what prescription lens your beer goggles have on. The music blasts and the cops arrive ready to play their part. The green light to bounce when things are about to go into the red. Good bye girl who rubbed her ass on me like I was toilet paper. Good bye guy who cried on my shoulder who's tears made my shirt smell like even more alcohol. Good bye bathroom ill miss you the most. I arrive home with the spot light on me coming from the kitchen doorway. I make my way towards the final scene stripping off my costume as I go along. I rest my weary head on what my drunk mind thinks are bosoms and begin to close my eyes. The curtain drops and the liquor bottle raised to the end of a glorious night.